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Just Another Day At Work
I’m in Munich, working on a story about going to Oktoberfest alone. Only, when you wear a dirndl it’s surprisingly easy to make new friends...
Into the Deep, Dark Woods
2. Having a terrible spell cast upon you.
3. Ingesting poison.
4. Administering poison.
5. Listening to the ’80s hair band Poison (well...I think that’s frightening).
6. Being given the old heave-ho from your loving dad, who has shacked up with a warty new wife.
Hamelin’s old town is delightfully picturesque, but today I went off in search of something a little moodier than rat toys and McDonalds’ in Tudor houses. The air was thick with moisture, lending a nice gloomy touch to the area (yes!). I was headed up the mountain that overlooks Hamelin - possibly the very mountain over which the Pied Piper led the children, never to be seen again (double yes!). As soon as I started up the steep footpath, I felt so very alone. And vulnerable. And - what the HELL was that leaf noise!?!!!! - jumpy.
CRUNCH! CRACK! CREAK!
The forest has its own voice, you see. It tells you this: there is most certainly a hungry wolf lurking around the next tree. Or, if not a wolf, it’s a big fat Wildschwein that smells pork sausage on your breath and wants to avenge his cousins. No - it’s a cursed woodsman who hasn’t seen a woman for a hundred years, and boy oh boy is he ever “amorous.”
(Let us keep this blog PG rated).
Moreover, the forest reveals this secret: out of fear, humans walking alone through the woods develop wild imaginations - so wild, they start inventing stories that aren’t true. You might even call them fairy tales.
A piece of the Pied Piper
Oh wunderbar, nobody speaks English
German may well be related to English, but when you are already hangry* and receive a menu that contains about 900% more letters than you are used to, those shared linguistic roots aren’t enough to get you fed.
I’ve been travelling in the North of Germany for five days now and have come to the conclusion that English is as scarce as green vegetables ‘round here.
Now, when you go to Germany, a dozen or so know-it-alls will probably say: “don’t worry, they speak English better than Americans.” Little do you know, your sources probably WERE talking to Americans, but were so drunk** they mistook them for Germans.
In any case, I strongly urge you to bring a phrasebook. Conveying “just a minute” with your index finger and flipping through numerous pages in order to find the translation for “one” is character building. Especially when you realize that you were ALREADY expressing “one” with that very finger.
Failing that, here’s a list of some phrases you might find useful:
Hello. Hallo.
I don’t speak German. Ich spreche kein Deutch.
Do you speak English? Sprechen sie Englisch?
Yes!? Ja!? Thaaaank you. Daaaaanke.
Which way is a public toilet? In welcher richtung ist eine offentliche toilette?
I have diarrhea. Ich habe durchfall.
Seriously man, don’t look at me with that confused face we have approximately six seconds here. (Just go pale and flail arms wildly).
.......
I had an accident. Ich hatte einen unfall.
Sorry. Entshuldigung.
Goodbye. Auf wiedersehen.
*so hungry you’re prone to angry outbursts, especially when debating directions or walking really, really far.
**Oktoberfest, naturally.
This is Hooge!
But in 1362, the flood DID spell disaster. Back then, there were tons of Halligen and they were well populated...until the sea rose and swept most of them away. The death toll was in the thousands.
Many of the houses have thatched roofs and the oldest (like Königspesel, below, which dates to 1760) are full of Dutch tiles. There’s also a museum, little cinema, several cafes and souvenir shops on the island.
Cool, hey? If you’ve got questions or comments about Hallig Hooge, please leave them below!
Crucial Travel Information
...because we all know it’s the petty details - not security or landing gear maintenance - that matter.
Also, while we’re talking overnight flights, I’d like to make a few observations:
1) When you get up from your seat for a comfort break, DO NOT use the seat in front of you as a railing with which to steady yourself. There is usually a person trying to sleep in said seat - a person who will not appreciate the man-made turbulence.
2) Dear Lufthansa: maybe, just maybe, you could remove those ashtrays instead of leaving them as a terrifying reminder that we’re flying on a vintage plane. You build flying metal birds. I think you have the technology to bust out a screwdriver and get rid of those suckas.
3) Dear Luddites: when you encounter a touch-screen entertainment system, freaking out and spastically hitting the screen over and over will not make Angels and Demons start to play.
4) Dear Lufthansa: Hi..it’s me again. Sorry, I forget something. While you’ve got the screwdriver out, maybe you could look at making muzzles for babies who feel the need to air all their pent-up grievances between takeoff and landing (I’ve seen them in customs afterwards, all dimples and coos...I’m onto them). Oh, sorry, am I being heartless? Maybe we could stow them in the overhead bins instead. Give ‘em a blanket and a pillow or something. See? I care.
Gear: Now Hear This
$149 US (Bluetooth version) and $159 US (iPod version) at www.mycyfi.com
From my weekly travel gear column in
"Best kept secret in the Midlands"
Story and photos by Reb Stevenson
WARWICK, ENGLAND – A gang of grandpas doesn’t stand much of a chance against dragons, princesses and knights.
The Lord Leycester Hospital is wise. It knows that competing against its neighbour, Warwick Castle (a.k.a. “Britain’s Ultimate Castle”), is a losing battle. Especially since, to really pare things down, Lord Leycester Hospital is an old folks’ home.
And so it idles quietly near Warwick’s original town gate, never trumpeting its existence. In fact, the hospital doesn’t do any advertising, period.
“We are the best kept secret in the Midlands,” boasts Gerald Lesinski, the delightfully eccentric 32nd “Master” of the hospital. What makes him so delightfully eccentric? Well, for starters, the man uses a monocle. Read More...
10 for T.O.
By Reb Stevenson
Hogtown is abuzz with events this fall: between the Toronto International Film Festival, Nuit Blanche and about a zillion boring work conferences, there is a good chance that you, too, will be sucked into the “T-Dot.”
As the rest of Canada likes to point out as often as possible, Toronto herself is a high maintenance female dog. So it should come as no surprise that the city isn’t content relinquishing all the glory to George Clooney and other incoming celebs. She wants some of the attention for herself.
Throw her a bone, would ‘ya? While you’re in town, check out some of Toronto’s best nooks and crannies.
Dine in the dark at O. Noir (620 Church Street), www.onoir.com
Even if you’re not on a blind date, eating at this restaurant – which just opened in late June – is out of sight. Literally. Taking after the popular pitch-black dining trend that has already swept through Europe, Australia, L.A., New York and Montreal, O.Noir both scares and thrills by leaving you at the mercy of your remaining four senses and the charity of the visually impaired wait staff. At $39 for a three course meal, it’s pleasantly affordable (they save on lighting costs) and daredevils who don’t mind pawing at their plates can opt for “surprise” meals.
Read More...
Like dry cleaning...for your head.
$8.99 at Zellers.
From my weekly travel gear column in
Five Feasts in Vancouver
By Reb Stevenson
Finding a restaurant while travelling is a lot like lookin’ for love.
a) You want something you can brag about.
b) You don’t want to think that too many people have been there before you.
Vancouver boasts schools of fancy fish restaurants, where fillets are stacked just so atop rare root vegetables and drizzled with some sort of reduction or foam. And while these high maintenance lovelies are nice to look at, they’re not the charming down-home locals that you could be meeting.
Here are five independent Vancouver restaurants that are delicious, unusual and off the beaten path.
Can I have your (seat) number?
A return ticket on the Matchmaking Flight from Ottawa (connecting through Los Angeles) costs from $1,698. For more information, go to www.thematchmakingflight.com.