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Ed and Jenny: Tub Time, New Stuff and Browser History!
Three New Ed and Jenny Episodes
So without further ado...
Ed and Jenny: The Captain!
New episodes will be released every Thursday!
Christmas Undesirables: Uncles n' Mall Santas
Now, despite my love for all things green n’ red, I sometimes feel that we gloss over the freakier aspects of Christmas. Namely, the weirdos who emerge to taunt us with inappropriate hugs, force reluctant kids to sit on their knees and blame way too much on the spiced rum.
Take, for instance, the ubiquitously terrifying mall Santa Claus. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check out this ode to nightmare-inducing St. Nicks that Billy Reid from Very Tasteful just released (see right). Which one do you think is the creepiest?
Sometimes the nut jobs are in your own house, which is even worse because you can’t just duck into a JC Penney change room and hide for hours. To help you identify these misfits, I created this chart for Two magazine. Oh, and looky who just happens to be there...mall santa. Just another incentive to shop online, people.
Oh wunderbar, nobody speaks English
German may well be related to English, but when you are already hangry* and receive a menu that contains about 900% more letters than you are used to, those shared linguistic roots aren’t enough to get you fed.
I’ve been travelling in the North of Germany for five days now and have come to the conclusion that English is as scarce as green vegetables ‘round here.
Now, when you go to Germany, a dozen or so know-it-alls will probably say: “don’t worry, they speak English better than Americans.” Little do you know, your sources probably WERE talking to Americans, but were so drunk** they mistook them for Germans.
In any case, I strongly urge you to bring a phrasebook. Conveying “just a minute” with your index finger and flipping through numerous pages in order to find the translation for “one” is character building. Especially when you realize that you were ALREADY expressing “one” with that very finger.
Failing that, here’s a list of some phrases you might find useful:
Hello. Hallo.
I don’t speak German. Ich spreche kein Deutch.
Do you speak English? Sprechen sie Englisch?
Yes!? Ja!? Thaaaank you. Daaaaanke.
Which way is a public toilet? In welcher richtung ist eine offentliche toilette?
I have diarrhea. Ich habe durchfall.
Seriously man, don’t look at me with that confused face we have approximately six seconds here. (Just go pale and flail arms wildly).
.......
I had an accident. Ich hatte einen unfall.
Sorry. Entshuldigung.
Goodbye. Auf wiedersehen.
*so hungry you’re prone to angry outbursts, especially when debating directions or walking really, really far.
**Oktoberfest, naturally.
The Curtsy Conundrum
By Reb Stevenson
Like Cinderella to the ball, I was going to Buckingham Palace to meet HRH Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh and the king of questionable quotes.
There was no doubt as to how I would greet him. The choreography had been outlined in an email entitled “Royal Protocol.”
“Upon being presented to HRH, it is customary to give a short bow from the neck for gentlemen and a curtsy for ladies.”
A curtsy!? My generation’s formal greeting consists of a sloppy salute and a rhetorical “howz it goin’?”
As usual, the guys were getting off easy with a simple head bob. They had that action down pat, as (from my understanding) it’s a customary response for males when they encounter one another at a urinal and feel the need to offer an acknowledgement but not an invitation to get beaten up.
A curtsy requires elegance, grace and balance. For there is a dangerously fine line between a delicate plie and toppling into a disheveled, bruised heap directly upon a royal’s polished shoes.
The occasion: some 70 travel writers from around the globe were summoned to Buckingham to ogle the State Rooms and learn about a new public exhibition marking the 60th anniversary of the Commonwealth.
To pique our interest even more (and, in my opinion, provide comedic fodder for our articles), Prince Philip agreed to make an appearance even though it happened to be his 88th birthday. Read More...
The New Phrasebook
By Reb Stevenson
There was a time when terms like “passport” and “overhead bins” were as complicated as it got when it came to travel talk.
But in the last few years, a fresh generation of travel buzzwords has infiltrated our lexicon. Now you practically have to bone up on a whole new language before you pick up Conde Nast Traveller Magazine. And you thought German was difficult…
For your convenience and entertainment, The Star has compiled this short traveller’s dictionary.
Agritourism –Staying on a farm or in a rural village, often voluntarily pitching in with chores (but rarely rising with the rooster,).
Babymoon – “One last trip” taken by an expecting couple before the arrival of travel-thwarting offspring.
Barefoot Luxury – Degree of comfort whereby a Forbes 500 member will not compromise their social standing or their $200 pedicure by removing their Manolos or Italian Loafers and padding around. Read More...
TABOOZE!
You’re all grown up now. And it’s so lovely and refined to pop open a bottle of wine that costs more than $10, recline on a pristine couch and watch HBO with your significant other.
But admit it—sometimes you secretly yearn for the university parties of yore. The days when seven of you could pile onto a brownish sofa that someone harvested from the curb, play a wild drinking game and still be laughing as you puke up a combination of rum, Molson Canadian and peach schnapps.
Well, who says that devil-may-care tone can’t resurface every now and then in your relationship? All you need is some booze, dice, cards and these sexy ideas.
READ MORE
I COULD use some extra coin myself....
By Reb Stevenson
There is a pivotal moment in a new writer’s life that is seldom addressed at journalism school. The rules are clear when it comes to the correct use of it’s or its, but what happens when you add an extra T to the beginning of those words and start churning out smut for dirty magazines? As we know all too well from Hollywood, a dalliance in XXX-land can be greeted with a shrug (Pam Anderson) or bring your career to a screeching halt (Dustin Diamond). Here is a “where are they now?” look at former contributors to the be-all-end-all of literary porn periodicals: Penthouse Forum.
Read More...
...and nothing but tripe in the food court.
The Onion (a MOST reliable news source) reports that Prague’s Franz Kafka International Airport is the most alienating airport in the world. Love this.
Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport
Testosteroamin'
You know The Girlfriend Getaway, it goes something like this: shopping, pedicures, male bashing, tapas.
Yet we rarely hear about the masculine equivalent unless it’s a beer-fuelled pilgrimage to a sporting event. And while awakening to find a reeking buddy spooning you in a Motel 6 queen bed might be construed as “bonding,” there are classier routes to solidifying friendships between dudes.
Call it testosteroaming – the art of vacationing with platonic male friends.
Cooler Carols
ILLUSTRATION BY SIMON OXLEY/ISTOCKPHOTO
Read More...
Hermetic Holidays
REB’S GIFT GUIDE EXTRAVAGANZA
Testosterone
Techie
Jock
Explorer
Gentleman
Chef
Estrogen
Hopeless Romantic
Environmentalist
Geekette
Tomboy
Fashionista
Holidays' Most Wanted List
The tree is trimmed. The nuts are mixed. Dad is slumped in the armchair looking grumpy. Hark, it’s Christmastime again! What joy!
View the most wanted list here.
Those Heaving Bosoms Could be Yours
Enter the Personalized Romance Novel, the perfect gift for that travel-obsessed couple that dreams of ravishing one another abroad. Choose from 24 pre-formatted stories (a historical high seas fling, a Tahitian tryst and a New Orleans Mardi Gras grope are amongst the offerings), decide on the rating (“wild” or “mild), input 26 personal details about the relationship, upload a photo and presto: a sizzling memento of the trip that never was…or the inspiration for the trip that is to be. $49.95-$119.95 US at www.yournovel.com
From my weekly travel gear column in
Everyday Guy Jeans and Artsy Glasses
Many Englishfolk I know wake up on Saturday mornings to an assertive hangover. Depending on who/what is occupying the other side of the bed, a healthy dose of regret often enhances the nausea. And the solution is a fry-up washed down with hair of the dog.
I prefer to arise to The Guardian’s Weekend Magazine.
Mutiny on the Blighty
Constable Country!
My Secret Life as an Erotic Comedy Scribe
I’ll tell ‘ya, the research for my Sex in Public Places bit in 2:The Magazine for Couples nearly killed me. I HAVE to start doing my research earlier than a day before deadline.
And while we’re at it, here’s a list of Board Games for Bored Couples.
This Just in from Sweet Valley
Geek to Chic
Give your Look a Kick!
A.M. Hairstyles
Get Over That Crush
Erasing Last Year’s Bad Reputation
Break it to Them Gently...
TWO: THE MAGAZINE FOR COUPLES
SUMMER 2008
Even in relationships that boast an alarming level of intimacy, there is bound to be at least one topic that remains painfully awkward. (Case in point: There is no graceful way to inform your partner that the Afro is a hairstyle that should never be sported below the waist.) Nevertheless, allowing a gripe to fester may lead to even worse things: Frustration. Embarrassment. Vomiting. So we’ve endeavoured to help you soften the blow with these gentle memos.
Read on HERE